Cade has now been gone for over a week.
People tried to warn me that whether it was getting married or simply heading off to college, that it was going to bring me to my knees. Not me. Nope. I enjoy every stage of my kids growth. No looking back for me. Onward, forward, upward and all that jazz.
Here I am on my knees.
In the light of the day, I'm OK. There are books to be read, weeds to be pulled, errands to run and kitchens to clean. But as night rolls in and the house slowly falls asleep, I'm left waiting for that last one to get home.
Except he is home. It's just not here.
I'm good with that. Really, I am. I want Cade to be at his house, learning and growing and developing the independence necessary to truly "cleave unto each other".
But still, I struggled to turn off the front porch light and lock the door. To me, that act symbolizes that everyone has been safely gathered in for the night. That I may have to send you all out into the world during the day, but at night you are mine and I am yours.
So, truth be told, for a week I couldn't bring myself to turn out the light or lock the door. Wouldn't that be like shutting him out? Is that what a good mom does? I don't know. I haven't been in this position before.
Monday I climbed into bed, knowing that I'd left the light on and the door unlocked. But this time, when Syd headed to bed, I asked her to go lock up for me. The next night, I took a deep breath and did it myself.
Tonight, Ryan and I helped Cade and Jorden move a few remaining things into their home. They enjoyed showing us the way that they have decorated, chatting happily about their plans and their future. And you know what? It was good. It was right.
As our house slowly settled in for the night, I looked out into the dark knowing that Cade wasn't going to be walking in that door. But this time, my heart was at peace. Ryan grabbed my hand so that we could finish our conversation upstairs. Without even thinking, I flipped off the light and locked the door.
You know: onward, forward, upward and all that jazz.
10 comments:
Great post! We sure love you all and I am happy you found peace.
That brought tears to my eyes....You are an amazing Mother..
Oh Marcie,
When I read your post, tears came to my eyes. Yes, that is exactly what it is like. It is hard even still. The kids don't understand. Only a mother's heart can empathize with that. How wonderful and what a great talent you have for putting those sweetest, heartfelt moments into words. My heart "happy" aches with you. What will we do when they all leave the nest? Thank you for sharing your talent.
Now you know how your mom felt and still does feel about you. :)
What a blessing you are in your kids' lives and in mine!
I really like your sayin "onward,forward,upward and all that jazz....
That's gonna be me in less than a month. My heart hurts just thinking about it!
Still can't believe you are that OLD!!! (Just kiddin,) I am sure that he feels it too Marc, but our lives are definately constantly changing and we are all constantly growing....it is a good thing. You are so strong, hang in there!
I love this post! You are so great with words! I'm already having break downs with sending Kembri to school.... and she still has one more year. How hard it will be to REALLY have to let go... I'm so happy you found peace :)
I, like everyone else teared up when I read this post. It really strikes a chord with mothers. I am dreading Alli leaving us. I feel a little bit of that pull away already and it is heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your strength!
I was laughing at your post about the piano. Now I am bawling like a baby. What a beautiful expression of your motherly love. :)
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