Another Day at the Zoo

You just never know what to expect when you teach 7th and 8th grade.  One thing is for certain, however, most of us develop investigation skills that would rival any police department.  (Or maybe it's just being mothers as well as teachers).  Either way, we often joke about getting a CSI kit in order to solve current mysteries.

One year, it was the Case of the Unknown Smell.  We came to school that morning to a putrid smell permeating the entire building.  It was so bad, that we had to keep the students outside while we hunted down the source.  With hound dog like focus, we were able to narrow it down to a specific locker.  Inside was a decomposing lunch that had dripped down the back of the locker and into the carpet where it spread like fungus.  It probably was fungus.

Once, it was the Case of the Mike's Hard Lemonade.  (No, it wasn't a "case" of it-just a couple bottles).  Once that was solved, the semi-naive Vice Principal remarked, "Nah, I don't believe it.  The things they do to lemonade these days!"

Usually, it is just routine matters of inappropriate notes/texts, rumors, cheating and lying.  Let me just say-FBI profilers have nothing on Jr. High teachers.  We can sniff out a lie from three doors down.  We can tell when a kid is texting his girlfriend within 5 seconds of entering a room.  We all have our own little pocket of informants to go to when necessary.  And if that's not enough, we can always send in the short teachers (that's me) for undercover operations.  (Kid's just don't seem to notice someone their own height.  I'm always overhearing conversations before they realize an adult is in their midst.)

This week, it has been the Case of the Bathroom Graffiti.  The second stall in the girls' bathroom has been turned into a truck-stop writing venue.  Along with the usual "John is so cute!" (as well as more risque thoughts) was the taunt, "You'll never catch us E.K.!"  (E.K. is our janitor.)  Not to be outwitted by 13 year-old girls, we began rounding up the usual suspects.  Initially, the accused were hard to crack, but after bringing in the handwriting specialists (aka the English teacher and her collection of student journals) we were able to break the case wide open.  It was a victory for adults everywhere.

Truly, there are few cases too difficult for us to crack.  But there are some we just refuse to tackle.  Last year, our Vice Principal came to us fuming with indignation.  It seems that sometime during that evening, there had been improper usage of the copy machine.  Pulling out a piece of paper, he held up the evidence.  There, plain as day, was the suspect's bare butt.  "Do you recognize who this is?" he demanded.

Like I said, there are just some cases we don't want to "crack"!